Monday, April 26, 2010

A tryst with myself

An unforgettable journey I longed for. A saying I do remember every time there is something new “The need is the mother of all inventions”. So came up the need to go for a tryst with myself. Different feelings and different emotions erupt everyday, I believe all for the good, but our human nature makes it possible to divide it into good and bad, positive and negative, wanted and unwanted. How did this need came in? there are a number of reasons I am sure you would be able to relate at least to one. A feeling of despair, nobody else can understand me and I turned to you, you brought me down to my core, so called materialistic unsuccess, a path I walked where nobody and nothing could comfort for reasons I don’t know why and list to seek happiness outside goes on and on and on until we realize happiness is not outside, but a feeling within me. The irony is, if you can feel happiness you can spread it around but nobody can get you your share of happiness.

This journey started cause one of the reasons stated above or to be honest more than one. People around were turning to be boring, the music to the highest beats was making me face the music, loneliness was killing me and crowd only made lonely to deepest core in the ocean of feelings. Tired of everything I could have tried to live happily had brought me to darkest fears and lonesomeness to which I acted as a parasite. Thought if I could live it would have been only possible to do so by clinging myself to negativity filled around me and everything was dark so dark that thinking about the light could send shivers down my spine.

As the lighting struck to the earth, with its heat five times than the surface of the sun. I realized if everything is going wrong, if everything is sour, if everything is letting me down then it is not the world I should seek for answers but it is within me. So the journey began, an unforgettable, initially unrealistic and sense of reverie struck to my soul. I suddenly was two, the me and myself, as I looked upon me from myself I could feel and see, that the me is hurt, is seeking from others and from all the wrong others, the ones did not really care about me or that is what me thought, then there was a change instead of me seeking company of others to feel happy I longed the company of myself, realizing I had to try to make the world happy without feeling myself.

The conversation began, the debate started the long forgotten small, gentle, tender voice in myself started to speak to me. The deepest secrets, saturnine feelings, happiest movements, my need for me I spoke it all to myself. Without the fear of getting ditched, lacking trust and the feeling to hide. Myself heard me completely, encouraged me to speak more and more until I had to nothing to bark about. There was comfort, a relaxation, a sheer pleasure running through me, filled with energy. I could feel utmost peace then myself spoke, is this all that you have or something more than this? the me had nothing else but insights and realizations that spoke to me unspoken. An incidence came up to me “I only cursed my broken hand until I saw a man with none”.

Me realized what had I ignored? Myself. Burdened with past worried for the future never living in the present, the past had gone and nothing can undo it, the future is unknown and would only be known when I live it today, everything started taking shape. Me need to love myself before I can love the world around, the agnize me could be only feel blessed, peace and happy. If you are not comfortable with your own self, don’t console the world, if you cannot trust yourself don’t seek in others, if you don’t love yourself don’t expect it from others.

Comments @