A tryst with myself

An unforgettable journey I longed for. A saying I do remember every time there is something new “The need is the mother of all inventions”. So came up the need to go for a tryst with myself. Different feelings and different emotions erupt everyday, I believe all for the good, but our human nature makes it possible to divide it into good and bad, positive and negative, wanted and unwanted. How did this need came in? there are a number of reasons I am sure you would be able to relate at least to one. A feeling of despair, nobody else can understand me and I turned to you, you brought me down to my core, so called materialistic unsuccess, a path I walked where nobody and nothing could comfort for reasons I don’t know why and list to seek happiness outside goes on and on and on until we realize happiness is not outside, but a feeling within me. The irony is, if you can feel happiness you can spread it around but nobody can get you your share of happiness.

This journey started cause one of the reasons stated above or to be honest more than one. People around were turning to be boring, the music to the highest beats was making me face the music, loneliness was killing me and crowd only made lonely to deepest core in the ocean of feelings. Tired of everything I could have tried to live happily had brought me to darkest fears and lonesomeness to which I acted as a parasite. Thought if I could live it would have been only possible to do so by clinging myself to negativity filled around me and everything was dark so dark that thinking about the light could send shivers down my spine.

As the lighting struck to the earth, with its heat five times than the surface of the sun. I realized if everything is going wrong, if everything is sour, if everything is letting me down then it is not the world I should seek for answers but it is within me. So the journey began, an unforgettable, initially unrealistic and sense of reverie struck to my soul. I suddenly was two, the me and myself, as I looked upon me from myself I could feel and see, that the me is hurt, is seeking from others and from all the wrong others, the ones did not really care about me or that is what me thought, then there was a change instead of me seeking company of others to feel happy I longed the company of myself, realizing I had to try to make the world happy without feeling myself.

The conversation began, the debate started the long forgotten small, gentle, tender voice in myself started to speak to me. The deepest secrets, saturnine feelings, happiest movements, my need for me I spoke it all to myself. Without the fear of getting ditched, lacking trust and the feeling to hide. Myself heard me completely, encouraged me to speak more and more until I had to nothing to bark about. There was comfort, a relaxation, a sheer pleasure running through me, filled with energy. I could feel utmost peace then myself spoke, is this all that you have or something more than this? the me had nothing else but insights and realizations that spoke to me unspoken. An incidence came up to me “I only cursed my broken hand until I saw a man with none”.

Me realized what had I ignored? Myself. Burdened with past worried for the future never living in the present, the past had gone and nothing can undo it, the future is unknown and would only be known when I live it today, everything started taking shape. Me need to love myself before I can love the world around, the agnize me could be only feel blessed, peace and happy. If you are not comfortable with your own self, don’t console the world, if you cannot trust yourself don’t seek in others, if you don’t love yourself don’t expect it from others.

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Every heart has a pain only the way of expression is different some hide it in eyes while some hide in their Smile.......

I tried really tried to be an altruist, I succeeded too, but heart made me go wrong and nobody needs to tell me that, deep down I can feel a little pain in my heart. The world would only understand if I would cry out my heart in front of them, that would make me feel better but it would let me down to see them again in the eyes(saying you could not take care of yourself). The guilt is high, the pain is sour and all I wished I could not have got it, all wrong. There is a similarity between all of us we do have a heart, but here would talk about the broken hearts and not the hurting ones, cause they have done it and left, it for the ones still with the impair able pain.

All I can say is that I can feel what is the feeling to be hurt, but you cannot cry I know that too, what do I do? You carry a smile you can see it and call it fake, you want to behave good you do and a bit of offending is hurt to you. Remembering it would have been better if you would not have listened to your heart, priceless. Now what this is the real big question I did not want to get hurt, did not seek the pain, I did seek for some love. There are zillion reasoning’s you start doing with yourselves none can give me the answer me looking for, not because it is not there because you don’t want to see it.

Nothing can bring back the time you lost to make things happen, it has fallen apart I can agree you saying it was not my mistake, it does not matter it has fallen apart, the results is what matters. First things first you have to live.(don’t be coward and run away face it that you have lost the battle) second carry a smile even if fake(people will not look down at you sympathetically making you realize your grave mistake). Third make a commitment to live your life king size(and trust yourself that you can do it.) Listen to your heart it cannot go wrong, the world may make you realize it, but trust your heart again it would help you to move ahead in life(I am not telling you to turn back to the people who have done wrong to you NO, never do that cause they might just take advantage of your innocent heart and treat you mercilessly again). Express yourself not to world but to yourself, cry not to world but in the mirror feel happy not that the world asks you to be, but because you will and you can feel it from your inner self(who is shy of his mistake and walked in the darkest cave only not to return, talk to yourself that it is ok you can come out of it).

Be honest to your heart cause your eyes are a reflection to your inner self, get to see yourself in the mirror look into the eyes and say to yourself I know what you have gone through, but trust me we can get over it, don’t seek friends, nor anybody else seek yourself cause to forgive your own self, is in your own hands and not world around, don’t seek sympathy seek for a new and better cause to make the world feel proud of you, seek happiness inside and move on only for a better living. Carry your smile we forget it as we grow older remember it, you need it as much of it now, as much as you did not, when you were just a kid.

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Invisible Fences

The story of the elephant, I guess a lot of us may have heard it before. When a calf elephant is born, he is tied with chains around his feet. The calf tries to escape and everytime, he fails to elude himself from the chains, he goes on trying until he gets tired. After years, the calf become an proboscidian(massive herbivorous mammal having tusk and a long trunk) he is still tied with the chains, we was tied when just a calf, the huge elephant can anytime head for the hills, but he does not do something like that. He believes that the chain would not break free, because it did not when he was a calf, believe is set in his mind. So many believes in our minds cause us to behave and act in a similar fashion. This is about setting yourself free, overcoming the invisible fences, that just keep us holding.

Breaking the barriers is not easy, so is the mind set. A person name it Mr. X was ditched in a relationship with a girl Ms. Y, they got separated life moved on and after some time Mr. X meets Ms. Z things were fine, until avertable lies came in front of Mr. X, suddenly the believe struck him to the spine, those belittled lies, took a massive shape grudges, treasonable, rejected feelings started building up, things took a bad shape and Mr. X got separated again, this time with a heavy heart and more determined not falling into the trap again. He did not for a long time of his life and he realized the opportunity and time lost. He felt sorry for himself then. The feeling it could have been better. What is there that we should realize is, everybody should be given a fare chance to speak up, a few may say I did and it did not stop. I forgot that part of my life but the next person I met was the same. I guess this should satisfy your urge, forgive them, don’t forget them.

Let’s put it all together simply. I forgive them of what they have done to me, but I don’t forget what they have done to me. To forgive is to come over with the feelings of being cheated, rejected and……. But to forget it to avoid the incidence, the person but not over coming of the issues, which would only make it difficult to move on, cause a small strike of match, would bring in a blowup in you and all your grave feelings would erupt up. Do I suggest you to stay with a person who has cheated you over a period of time? No this is not how it has to be. Move to open area of your life stay there for a while until you think that you are ready not for others but for yourself, ready to trust with no baggage on your shoulders of your past. The invisible fences you had made would no longer hold you to feel love again.

This is one of the infinite invisible fences, we all create in our lives, irony is only you can help yourself to get rid of those fences. This strong believe is present with a lot of people around us, with our colleagues, parents, spouse, siblings, ourselves and on …… learn your lesson, forgive them not because you are humble only, but also because they are not worth it. Live right now, feel that your living, don’t let go your life to waste after somebody who was not worth it. Take some more time and try to understand this as well, is your believe correct, or it is correct because it is your believe, the day you are able to distinguish the difference between believing because it is correct or correct because you are believing, you would overcome the invisible fences.

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Ascetic wants

This is about I don’t want but I want it, something somewhere is just not happening boss, I want this, I can have as well but I won’t have it, silly but true and I am sure a lot of us have gone through this scramble in life which more or less is like, man I am so confused. Have ever felt the same? Go ahead it might just help you to know.

Ok now exactly where is all this leading too, austere and ascetic name it two different, but when together creates the tempestuousness, which could shiver down your soul and still come back and say I am yet to hit you. “Ignorance is bliss” I remember somebody had told me the same sentence on many a occasions but lately is only of what I could make out, either don’t ask for austere(very simple) answers or stop acting ascetic(self denial) to your own self, ok really don’t cock up, let’s put simply, life is difficult (tell me something new) how well have you tried to overcome the difficulty, there are numerous issues lying on the floor, just for someone to skip a feet and to fall on the ground, the bad news is we scatter them on the floor, the good news is it not we alone, who get hurt but the others too.

Want some simple answers to our own made up matrix, simple just be one what you want, if I want love and affection I have to give it(the question is I gave and never got it back, then move on, you have loved the wrong soul and please just to get some, don’t get into the hassle of loving somebody, it more mutual then only give and take) mistakes are inevitable, I would suggest don’t try to become god cause you are not one, don’t only expect things in return because you have given it, at times just stop expecting back, see the world turn around you, cause you feel happy when expect the least.(You mean I should stop expecting) No that is not why I am trying to say, it is like don’t set up your limits for others(it is so difficult to limit your own conscious, think about it you setting for other)so, so you only do as much as you are comfortable doing it and expect a little lesser then what you have done, things would take a shape.

What is this all about, well this is about the two hemispheres created in our heads, name for example, the mind and the brain, now this hurricane inside ourselves occurs when they generally contradict or disagree with each other, why does this happen? Cause the conscious say it mind would say something more ethical then practicality say it brain, suddenly things starts getting complicated, weird feelings starts pumping in, boom the mind is killed the brain takes over and over and over, until the mind comes to life with a bang more stronger then could have thought about, then it is a war as technology progressed the arms became more lethal, so it happens with your brain and you mind, so is the simplicity turns complexity and it all starts falling apart.

How to overcome this situation? avoiding is not something we cant look forward for cause you and I, we know we have got ahead of it, learn your lessons, forgive people for what they have done, but don’t forget them, don’t try to change others, change yourself, if you have been ditched over and over again, don’t ditch yourself, you can be alive all by yourself, cause nobody came tagged along with you came on this earth, try to understand you cannot have company when lifeless, you can stay alone no need to tag to people if you feel ditched, cause your priority is to heal your wounds and not making it complicated by landing into another ditch. Love the self first and that is what you would spread around, don’t cheat yourself and you can look deep down into your eye, I am still alive and move on. Don’t worry for others consciousness, let your own conscious come to surface first. Life would all be simple as we wanted.

I am trying to live again.

Simple incidents leads to amazing insights, only if you are searching for enlightenment. We try and try to have insights whereas the obstinate is insights have to happen, you just cannot buy it, learn it or diddle it, it has to happen and when it happens you feel the enormous solitude and willingness to accept it, to heavy to digest, let this is all flow through you.

The vex caused by the demons in our head, is kind of a parasite it would only be alive till the time you let it cling on to yourself, without you it does not have a life, so why we give the food for the vex to live and take over our sanity of the mind, the probable reason being we don’t know what are we doing, I would put in simpler words, it has a limit, it like you creating windstorm also controlling the power of the windstorm and we do it all by ourselves unknown of the fact at times that we are actually doing it. What do we do, relax it is yet to take control over you, there is always time to set things straight and the time is right now, here and someway it has to start.

The vex thoughts have a timeless existence if we become the part of the thought itself, detach yourself from the thought, it is insane, difficult, unmanageable, cause we think that we cannot stay without it, the direct contrast is that it cannot live without you, try it stop reacting to the thoughts that let you pull towards the darkness behind the bright light, stop entertaining them, try you shall succeed someday, slowly and steadily you can see yourself rising above the clouds no more a hindrance between you and the light, it will be there, thoughts the demons would surely try to attract you, until you feel the light pass thorough you, resonate your inner self, eternal peace, calmness and joy can be felt, let this feeling stick to you as never before.

Then, all that which is uncalled for will leave the body, mind and soul without the burden of grudges, revenge and retaliation, let peace overtake you, absolute solitude is what you can feel, suddenly the dark, lonely path, scary path would interchange itself with rising sun, natural beauty and peace of mind. Loosen yourself, the life is short live it like no tomorrow forget your grudges like they were not meant to be.

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