Massacred Feelings,

Irony of Life we live here and seek peace in the heaven above, whereas we live here and can only imagine the above, I am lost with random thoughts, issues and worries and somewhere now I know how things can turn from bad to worse but somewhere deep down I feel I am responsible for carnage of my feelings my issues, read this on random feelings, random events one conclusion cataclysm on ourselves, if you have ever felt this not what I meant this is for you.

I am going from downfall in my life an ideal and normal thing to happen in one’s life, cause of blah blah and blah reasons what did I do, I decided to stay unique to it, I can take care of everything by myself to the extent I did not even share is to staring walls, closed doors, violent breeze, sole walk nothing and then the things started changing, things started slipping out of my hands, for no fault of mine, small issues became trigger to my machine gun with ample ammunition, the war got over with people but ailing another war started in my brain(The right or the wrongs, the brain started asking for judgments and justice, for faith and disrespect, for me and my being) difficult to understand but yes our brain takes us from all of this and at amazing speed, I am sure you have somewhere of the other have gone through it.

Then like I was struck by the lightening, shivers went through my spine evoked my feelings deep inside, suddenly remembered everything back the great unwashed(people) who stabbed me in the back for sharing my arcana with them, the people who used me or made me feel used all of them, shattered to myself, crying was not an option and deep in my down inside my heart I wept not cause I could see the daemon events is matter of no time, but cause I could not shed the tear from my own eyes.

But life had to gawk and so did I suddenly there were nothing as right or wrong, the brain did not seek answers but mind could feel at peace, believes subsided and I could feel myself again, what did I do? What was the change? I did not fend anymore I shared it with myself with my being and then things just became things, breeze was not violent anymore but claimed to be the messenger of the trees I know the autumn is to its peak but the spring shall also arrive, suddenly the shivers down my spine were not shivers something more subtle to tell me that I exist, I could realize then, what all had I neglected, denied the peace, the happiness, the being of now for something that has gone or something that I am unsure of(future), the staring of the walls became empathy to me and I could feel myself, my being, my soul, do not detain the drivel in your head cause it will destroy you someday or the other rather open the windows for fresh air and let the garbage be given away not as something as precious, but something as unworthy of keeping to yourself (I am afraid I can’t speak out, speak to yourself, cause it is you who have to listen and share to yourself and not the world) I am sure you would feel at peace here and look for the heaven above.

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I miss your smile but I miss my own more…..

When you had to make me cry, why you made me laugh before, if you had to go away, why did you come close. I could not think of something more appropriate to start with, then this, cause I miss out people laughing with me, but what I do miss the most is smiling myself. I wish I was a child like again with no worries, more smiles, broken pencils could turn me down, but nothing known as broken hearts, where I used to smile 400 times more then what I do today(a fact an average child laughs 400 times more than an average adult) if you think even you have lost your smile somewhere in the crowd in the name of etiquettes, love, or you don’t even know but you know that you miss something go ahead, it for you.

When we were born, nobody taught us to cry, but we did, nobody taught us to laugh, but yes we did and did a lot freely without even knowing that toothless smile can also bring in smiles to others, but now that we know what is to weep and what is cheer, we hardly do either of them anymore or atleast max in the closed walls with no ears and no eyes, (so when we know what it is we stop doing it? no I would agree to it) weeping in front of people could make us look weak, could harm our so called projected personality so why we don’t shed a tear in front of others , (so you know why we know and still we don’t) when born, when lived childhood, we lived for ourselves and not only for others, now as grownups we live for others and hardly for ourselves, think about it this, you would love to eat the bread with your hands, but cause the person in front of you is using a knife you would do the same, why so, that you are not out casted, you are not somebody looked down upon(True, but deep within your thoughts, deep with yourself)

We smile according to people around, if you really understood a joke and you found it really worth laughing but you see people around and if they have smiles or laughs you continue or you just stop, irrespective you wanted to or not, I am not saying to have an un social behavior change into you, but what I am saying is that you keep you smile then to yourself but laugh out later, so that there is something that you can smile about and completed the smiles you are worth of, after a usual busy day.

Love plays an vital role, or rather viscous role to the smile, you smile not because you want to but to satisfy your partner who would just say you a turn off cause you did not smile, or make a pathetic working day worse in the evening by asking a million questions if you don’t laugh irrespective of you want to or don’t and same is when you cry, what are you doing living for others and not for yourself and then one fine day the person goes from your life then you take out all the baggage of smiles but then it has defoliated to cry, burst out with nothing much better then tears for you but water for others and then there is hunt for some shoulder again, why when the smile is yours so are your tears, the problem is cause you always shed or smiled for others even today you need others.(why you doing this to yourself why are you not living for own self)

“the world looks the way you perceive it” and all that you imagine is to live for others, it is not how you look but is how you perceive it and if you perceive happiness inside you would spread it outside, whereas if you perceive sorrow so would be the case, so be comfortable yourself, be happy yourself and then spread the word cause what you will feel from inside so what you will be spreading outside, be contented, satisfied inside and then you would be able to do it for others.

Smile the smiles for yourself and you would not miss them for anyone else.

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I wish I could die

I can’t think of anything else, anything better, it is what I am feeling right now, I don’t have grudges against anyone, I don’t have feelings to stand and fight for anyone anymore, I just fell I should, I should die……………………………

Powerful, flawless, trustworthy, betraying, hopeless statements, yes just statements, that makes us take such decision, the ego to prove the point, does not matter if it costs their lives, a lot of people say I want to die, cause they have not risen up in the morning to see the rising sun, but stood there at the dusk to see the sun set. Never helped anybody in life, when needed but cried all the time for not being helped, others land up saying all my life, all I have done is given up to somebody for something so I have nothing to give but to give my life, I have a question did you actually give or you just gave that you thought should be giving, it might be everything from your end but all that the other person needed was two good words to be said, then done, at time, did you do that ??? majority the answer is no, we just did what we felt should be done, without taking into consideration exactly what the other person needs and then saying I cant live anymore, I cant give anything else(boss all you have done is all you did, lost in your own world without trying get out of your cocoon but yes you want to die, so I would not complain much).

Another a very positive way of leading life try to die once and live life like an emperor always, what a life, I could say think again they would treat you like god n goddess but you are not even close to it, they would not make you unhappy out of love but would not do it either out of fear or guilt, you say you leading a life I would say leading a life on the empathy pieces thrown by others, to the extent, that would only fear them and you would laugh over their sheer love for you,(well I would not complain much cause you want to die, I would not give you that, what you are worth of).

It takes only 3 seconds before you decide do you really wana do it, think about it this way, you are standing at the top of heighted unconstructed building near the big window, suddenly something grips into your head and you jump, the result is obviously known, you would say this act is insane, those 3 seconds decides what is sane and what is insane, but by the people this insane act is done to prove that they are sane(but what’s the point you are dead), this is now a days the in thing probably, students facing difficulty to move ahead with the examination, mature people out of so called monetary issues, love birds just to prove their points, hell no you just proved your point but you are dead and now you cant do anything about it, my quest is why to waste your life, which is not worth anybody else could not deal, understand, attach or detach from you, hell no this is not what life is all about(well I would not pursue you much cause you wana die, obviously you think it will sort all the issues I would not say much to pity on you)

It is courageous to commit a suicide, cause you could see yourself and still beg for more, but it is all the more courageous to live it and live like nobody else could have thought for you, be there to see the sun rising rather then forgotten under eclipse of sunlight, you would not be remembered, you would not be thought about, you would not be what everybody thought once upon a time that you are, you would not get to live what you could have, if you were just alive.

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